hey,i'm doing okay. i'll get back to you if you come back to me

I've had this weird dreams lately. My dad, Her dad and Nini were in it. I'm not really sure what's the meaning of this. We, Me, Bapa and Nini were on the road, Bapa drove our old car, I remember in that dream, I asked them where were we heading? He smiled and kept quiet, Nini answered me, 'Jumpa kawan bapa mu'. Not long after that we arrived at this big house, huge white house, we were welcomed by cats, kittens, all those cute kitties. A man appeared while holding the hand of a small little girl, about 10 years old i suppose. He shook bapa's hand, they hugged and the man invited us to come inside. As we were inside the house, pictures of the little girl hanging on the wall, every room, everywhere. I asked nini, who's the little girl, 'his beautiful daughter', she said.

I then went to one of the rooms, the room was huge, white paint, but no furniture and yes, again the picture of the man's beautiful daughter, but this time, me, bapa and the father were in it. I don't remember taking a picture with them,I said it loud and all of the sudden the man appeared and he smiled looking at me straight to my eyes, InsyaAllah, one day you will. How is it possible? That question keeps on ringing in my head. The man then, came to me with a white flower, i don't remember what was the flower,then gave it to me. 'Her name is ... and you will be the one who will be there for her, i know you will.'

There,it stops there! I don't even know what this means but if it has a meaning, I'm sorry I can't. If the little girl was her and the man was her dad, I am really sorry, I can't do that anymore. No,not because I stopped loving her, I still do, I still pray for her everynight, Yeah, Lillahitaala I still do that, but I am really sorry, It's not me anymore. Like I said, someone better has replaced me. But yeah, I Miss Her!

Al-Fatihah. I am really sorry, promises aren't made to be broken, but all you need to know is and I promise you, your daughter is safe and she's happy without me.

My Stupid Life Is Fucking Stupid!

Earlier today, went to visit babu tua and one of the doctors said she has a tumor on her brain, small, but yeah, go figure what will happen. I was about to punch the doctor in the face for telling us that news. Now, we have to lie to bapa tua and tell him that she's gonna be fine. As much as I hate lying, we have to lie to him, just to comfort him. I've had enough of this lying bullshit! I finally told the truth to my bestfriends about what's inside me, it felt so good and I was surprised they knew it all along, they knew I was lying to them. But yeah, now this shit happens! To lie to your grandfather, is a pain on the fucking ass, it's like you're stabbing him on his heart. Telling him that his lovely wife is fine when she's not is like telling a child that you have a candy but actually you don't have any. Eventually, the child will ask you for the candy over and over and over. What do you expect me to say to him? Yeah, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine, everyday? What the fuck is wrong with this life! No, i am not blaming anyone!

It hurts me seeing Babu Tua laying in bed with the wires all over her face, just like what Bapa suffered before. I actually hate the fact when people starts crying, it breaks me and start crying, pissing off to my life, why not me instead, why someone I love, is it that hard to just let me suffer? I guess not, I'm no good to people, they are. Both of them deserves to live longer than me. What did I do to people? Absolutely nothing! I know Allah is testing me, but I'm sorry, I'm not strong enough. Yes, I am a guy, and YES,I AM FUCKING WEAK! I don't care what you will say! Stop telling me to be strong, It won't change anything!

Sorry, but yeah, i guess it's my time to get hurt. It's my turn now! Please!

Few years later

7th September, 5 years ago, bapa went to my room early in the morning,while i was deep in my sleep,he woke me up, and told me you left,forever. I was shocked and still can't believe the fact you were gone. Al-Fatihah to you dear lovely angel.

Early in the morning yesterday, my cousin called and told me 'Babu inda sedar!' Apparently, she got a stroke. She's still unconscious til now. Ya Allah,why does it has to be me? Why my family? Why me? It's not fair,I'm sorry but yeah,I'm not strong enough for this. Please,I beg you just for once,pick me instead. Suffer me,Ya Allah! or take my life. Every single word you speak is doa,and yes, that's my doa, let me suffer from the bad things or take me. I beg you, I'll pray, Ya Allah, please!

Nini babu stay strong,please! Ya Allah, please give her strength,Amin.  We miss her!

THAT BOY IN YOUR LIFE BETTER BELIEVE THAT HE'S A LUCKY GUY